Timing is everything in the world we live in ~ at work with your director, at home with your family, a date night with the girls, an event for church, meeting up a friend, or deadlines for school. I have this strange obsession with timing, planning, and organizing. I couldn't tell you how many calendars, post it notes, dry erase boards, and notebooks I have! But as we all know, life doesn't run by our own timing; in fact, it's the complete opposite. I've experienced it first hand. I hear people often say, "Oh well, the stars didn't align" or "It was just bad luck" when things do not happen our way. I just cannot believe that. I believe everything happens for a reason, and that there is divine intervention.
It has been a while since my last post as I felt God was leading me to spend more time with Him. A few months after my first miscarriage I had another. The second loss really took everything out of me. To make things worse, my husband was barely going back to work from being off of work from an injury {money was tight as you can imagine}. I was in the last semester of college, and my grades were slipping. I felt like I was loosing grip of everything. I experienced depression for the first time in my life. I gained weight. I would cried at the drop of a hat. I felt alone, lost faith, hope, and was just not myself. However, what I didn't realize is that I was in the best place for God to reach me...between a rock and a hard place. I knew since last fall, God was wanting more of me, but I didn't have time for God. I got busy with the hustle of the holidays, school, life, and quite frankly put God on the back burner. When the second miscarriage happened I knew I had to make some changes. I felt God was trying to get my attention as I could hear this constant voice saying, "Monica, you cannot do this alone. Why can't you '"be still and know that I am {your} God?"
Naturally, this didn't come naturally {big shocker}! Being still was the hardest to master, and it took me what seemed like forever to figure out. I followed my spirit and removed those things in my life that are were not uplifting me, and posing a distraction. First thing, I got rid of my Facebook. This was difficult. The majority of my family is on there, and a lot of them are using the events page, messaging, and using posts to discuss parties, etc. I now had the free time to worship, read my Bible, pray, and really get in tune with what God wanted me to learn from all of this. It also allowed me to love my body again. I felt as if my body had rejected me, and the very thing I was designed to do {to be "fruitful and multiply"} - I had failed. I got back into working out on a regular basis, changing my diet {again}, and loving myself with all of its imperfections. In the process, I DID graduate! In May I graduated with my Bachelors of Science in Nursing from the University of Texas at Arlington. Talk about a relief! Whew!
So, you might ask: Did I find out what God was trying to teach me? What am I doing with all of my free time? Why talk about it now? The answer...timing IS everything, and I am ready to talk about what I know & don't know. What I do know is I am closer to God. He is constantly teaching me to trust in Him, and get rid of the stupid, OCD, perfect plan. Life isn't perfect. Life doesn't go by "my plan" {hello}! My free time consists of decorating my house, playing with my dogs, visiting friends, working out, and really whatever I want! Why I chose to talk about it now is because after the miscarriages I had several women who contacted me about advice, tips, and suggestions as they had experienced their first miscarriage as well. I want others who've experienced this to know - it gets better. I do plan on trying again for a child, and when that is - I really do not know. I will just have fun practicing in the meantime!
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