{Carried}

My definitions of the following ~

Pregnant: all of my dreams summed into one word ....being a mom.

Marriage: allowing your husband to be your strength when you are physically weak, and becoming stronger through our struggles. Living out the words, "for better, or for worse...in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

Miscarriage: lossing the baby and the dreams you had for your precious child, and giving God his/her soul.

Threatened abortion: putting all of your faith in God to take care of your baby (while still hating the word).

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November 9th, 2012 ~
Late. Really late...pregnant ((reading a pregnancy test))! Stunned. Speechless. Excited. Emotional. Happy. Loved. Make an appointment asap to check (Dec. 4th, 2012).

November 24th, 2012 ~
4 am. Cramping. Bleeding. Scared. E.R. Doctors. Nurses. You're pregnant. There is a sac. You need to follow up with your Oby-gyn on Monday. No real answer. Dx: threatened abortion. Denial. Grief. But I'm going to make myself be happy. I'm going to wear a smile even if it hurts. I'm going to fake it til I make it. I must stay with a positive outlook.

November 25th, 2012 ~
More bleeding. More cramping. Panic. Bargaining....with God. Loss. Defeated. Angry...very angry. Why is this happening? Tears...uncontrollable tears.

November 26th, 2012 ~
Follow up. Oby-gyn giving me more information. If this is a miscarriage, tell me - I can take it. I need to know. I want to be in the moment if it is. Doctor: if you are having a miscarriage there is nothing you can do for your body to stop the process. Sadness. Helpless. Depression.

November 27th, 2012 ~
More cramping. Spotting. Working. Hiding so no one sees my face. Asking God for His will (repeat).

November 28th, 2012 ~
I'm better today than yesterday. Doctor's call back ~ you're not pregnant (anymore). You experienced a miscarriage. I'm sorry. Words like a knife. Crushed. Weeping. Why God, why? Didn't you hear me? Tears like a river in the waiting room at Josh's Doctor's appointment no less. Get me out of here! Still I will fake it til I make it...Christmas decorations up asap.

November 29th, 2012 ~
This was your will, God. I trust in You. I need You to be with me...to strengthen me. I am so weak, and need to feel Your presence. I did feel His presence while I was at work while taking care of my patients - my mind was off of me,  and on them. My sister, brother in-law, and cousin gave me so much support - kept checking up on me, fed me, and loved on me.

November 30th, 2012 ~
Feeling His (God) peace filling up my body. Loving me. Accepting me. Me accepting me.


December 2nd, 2012 ~
The church service was meant for me. There was prayer for all of the woman, and the vision woman carry for their family. I was refueled, recharged, and re-energized!

December 4th, 2012 ~
Bittersweet. I was supposed to be getting an ultrasound of my beautiful baby. Instead our visit today was to make sure my miscarriage has completely been removed from my body naturally, and talk about when we can try again. I'm confident it will happen one day, and we will have a little one - one day!

A few people knew I was pregnant and I sent them all a text as soon as possible so that if there were any questions I could get it out while I was already crying! I asked them to "not make it a big deal" as dying it down seemed appropriate at the time, when a friend said to me, "Monica, if you believe life begins at conception - IT IS A BIG DEAL. You will see your baby in Heaven." Those words brought me so much peace, and joy knowing that the month and a half I carried my precious little peanut wasn't in vain. I'm much better now, and I still get sad when people ask ((I think I always will)). But today I am stronger, healthy, happy, and know that God has a great plan for my husband & I...and our future bambino! To the ones who have called me, prayed for me, loved on me, hugged me, cried with me, checked up on me, and have uplifted me during this time...you know who you are - thank you from the bottom of my heart. You're love for me has encouraged this mourning heart. I have my faith in God, and only He has turned my mourning heart into dancing Psalms 30:11. I don't know why things like this happen, but what I do know that God has a perfect plan according to Jeremiah 29:11 and I trust that He knows best for my life.

This is my story of me and my baby....and when we were carried.